Poetry: “But you weren’t supposed to be a girl!”

By Anonymous

Content Warning: Transphobia, Homophobic Slur

“But you weren’t supposed to be a girl!” 

I wasn’t. 
To have long hair. 
To rest my chin against one hand, and look idiotically wistful. 
When he passes, to contemplate deeply about one’s feelings 
And to wonder, 
If I am pretty 
Enough. 

But then they see me. 
I am sweaty. 
I am fat. 
Wide, squarish shoulders 
Plump, hairy legs. 
And I can feel it 
What their eyes see in me 
Something that I 
Maybe ought to have been –

But I wasn’t. 

To be bad at sports. 
To jog with those dainty little steps, arms around your chest. 
To cry for the first time in years, in class 
Just because of some random short story. 

“To be effeminate”. 

A pink shirt 
And a hat. 
To wear nothing nice, and to feel bad. 
To paint my nails, to remove them in private. 
To know that for sure 
No one can see how you look. 

And they don’t see me. 
They see what they believe 
To be, 
Me crammed into a lump 
Of even more boys 

To see girls talking to each other. 
To see them smiling, connecting, 
Beautiful and happy 
To look at a world 
No one gives me a pass to.
In the still darkness 
To look at a sunlight 
I’m not allowed to bask in –

Then they look at me. 

To twirl my hair around, stroke it, hold onto it 
To feel almost insentient 
In a perpetual murk 
To fear perhaps that I’ve lost, 
To look at me and still say 
I’m no more than a guy 

To be afraid to go to the bathroom, a bit 
To be called another weirdo, a faggot* 
A gamut of ashamed names 
A bitter determination, a bald head 
A lost trace of teardrops, a pale face 
A better me there 
Is supposed to await 

“But you weren’t supposed to be!”

*This term is a derogatory, homophobic slur historically used to demean gay men, and should never be used to insult people around you. Girls Rising urges you to refrain from using this to insult queer individuals. Please visit the following resources for more information:

• Dejan Jotanovic’s ‘Why Straight People Shouldn’t Throw Around the F-Word‘, Ending HIV
• André Wheeler’s ‘Why I’m reclaiming the homophobic slur I used to fear‘, The Guardian