Warning, these poems examine difficult issues including:
- Anxiety
- Panic attacks
- Internalized racism
- Internalized homophobia
엄마 • eomma • mother
She cried in the hands of her mother.
She cried in the hands of her father.
Her teardrops fell to the ground as she tried to get a grip of her new life.
Her tiny little hands tried to get a grip of her 엄마.
엄마’s tears streamed down her cheeks.
Her little baby’s fingers gripped hers.
엄마 began to coo her little girl.
The little girl fell asleep.
爸爸 • baba • father
It stank –
Her diaper.
But he pushed through the smell.
Raising a little girl for the first time wasn’t easy;
Why did the movies make it seem so easy.
She began to cry again
Once 爸爸 was finished cleaning her up,
He began to coo her
The little girl fell asleep
Exotic
She was up at night,
Tears pouring down her face,
As she thought how unfair it was,
Why was life so unfair?
Others seemed to have it much better –
They didn’t have to face the racism that their own people spat at them.
They weren’t exotic – then put down because of their skin color.
High School
She guesses that’s where it all started,
Only because that’s when everyone thought it started.
On the first day of her sophomore year, it all hit her.
The panic attacks, the mental breakdowns.
The constant feeling of dread that would never leave her.
It still hasn’t left her.
Panic
She hit the ground as her legs gave up on her,
As her lungs gave up on her,
Everything began to give up on her.
It was as if life just couldn’t hold her anymore.
From the occasional panic attack,
To hundreds of them,
Non stop for hours straight.
The balling of her fists,
Muscles tense,
Body shaking,
Feeling lightheaded,
Feeling detached,
Dissociating,
Out of breath.
She felt all of that at once.
It was a never-ending journey –
As much as everyone wanted it to be.
Dissociating
At first, it would happen after a panic attack –
Or maybe during,
It was hard to tell.
Her memory would be foggy.
But soon, as her panic attacks lessened,
The dissociation worsened.
Until she felt deja vu.
Until she could barely remember what happened.